Happy birthday to me. :-)

I'm not exactly sure how i feel right now. I just found out today that one of my sister's (that i have never met in person but only talked to on the phone) has lost one of her children, he drowned on mothers day. I am so sad for her. I couldnt even come close to knowing or understanding how she feels right now. We arent close really at all. I havent talked to her in many months. I feel so bad for that. It doesnt help that she lives in Ohio and i live in AZ. A few weeks ago my youngest son decided he was going to hide from me. and he did a very good job at it. I ended up calling the police, searching and searching the house, and neighborhood. I was so scared because i live in a corner house on a very busy street. I really thought i had lost him. That is the closest i come to knowing how she feels. It is not fair that "J" is gone. Its just not f*ing fair. She is a wonderful mother from what i can tell. Her and i are only 6 1/2 weeks a part. I have always felt like i had a twin. Well she is the closest to it. The last week i have felt sad, and down but i could not figure out why. He passed away early evening on mothers day which would be early afternoon here. I was fine that morning, then later as the day passed, i felt like something was wrong. But i just thought it was something else. All week something has been bothering me. I thought it was the fact that the guy i am with didnt say happy mothers day to me. But when i talked to him about it the other night, i still didnt feel better, like i normally do. Well now i know why i was feeling the way i did. It breaks my heart that she has to go through this. And it breaks my heart that i am not there with her. I FUCKING HATE IT! I want to help her, but i have no idea as to how. I want to be there for her, but i dont think she will let me. Why her, Why my sister? Why not some piece of shit that didnt deserve to have a child and the child is better off??!?!?!?! SHE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS!!! I want to take away her pain. Its just not damn fair. R.I.P. 4/08/09 to 5/09/10 you will be missed

Sometimes i feel like certain important things in my life just dont matter to others. I know it really shouldnt. But i have emotions too! I didnt get to do what i wanted for my birthday(like always) and i just got a job, granted its part time and fast food...BUT I GOT A JOB!!!!! All i wanted to do was celebrate. It means a lot to me, it took me a LONG time to get it. I was very depressed for a long time because i didnt have a job. And now i have one and its like no one cares, or is happy for me(except one friend who means a lot to me and i cant wait for her to come visit). Why do i let little things ge to me so much? It shouldnt matter what others think. But for some people it really does. I am so proud of myself and so happy, with no one really to share that with. =( that is upsetting in itselt. i am a sucker for punishment that is for sure. I do so many things to make others happy and help them. But am lacking in that department myself. I havent been sleeping very much lately. I thought it was because i wasnt working and it may still be because of that. Cuz i havent started working yet. But my depression in still there. Its not as bad as it used to be. i know what i want, its there. but i cant have it. i'm tired and going to sleep. 630 in the morning and only a couple hours of sleep does weird things to people. =/

Why are we responsible for doing something that is within reason? i dont get it. We need to do something to help things along and unfortunately it had to be something severe. I agree with it to a point. I dont think it matters where it would have been done. We would get the same result. It just so happens that there is more of this than other things. So ofcourse its going to make a big stir, of course its going to make a lot of people anger. Like i said before i dont feel that everything they are doing is right or correct. But does it matter? nothing is going to change unless we do something dramatic. We have tried smaller, less harmful things and nothing really came out of it. Now we have people's attention, now we are going to make a difference. If people would just listen, follow intructions and the rules, it wouldnt have come to this. I understand both side of the story, why cant anyone else? I am confused about how i feel about it to a point. thats why i am still stuck on both sides, I know i dont completely understand it, that may be where the confusion comes to play. I will deal with it, help others deal with it and learn from it. That is what life is all about. Right?!

There are some things in this world that i will never understand. There are things that people do that i will never understand. I just have to learn to grow and accept that. Which is the hard part. I dont understand why people get upset over little things. Well at least they seem little to me. Also there are some things from my past there were extremly hard to get over. I will never forget it, but i can forgive those people. It happened in the past and there is nothing i can do about it now. It took me a long time to think that way. I wanted to hold on to those things because i was so angry and hurt by it. But seriously what can be done now? The only thing that we as people can change is our future. I am a single mother of two children. I have and need the strength to move on and move forward. It is a very hard thing to do, starting from scratch that is. The more i hold on to the past the harder it will be to move on and move forward. All i want is to be the best mother i can be and be a succesful women that i know i can be. There are many things as a single mother that i struggle with. One being i am my only support system. Yes i have friends for mental support but other than that i am it. There is a decision that i made recently that i am not sure if i made the right choice or not. My ex came to me and asked  if his parents could take our children for a couple to few weeks this summer. Its not that i am afraid they will take them away. But i am afraid of all the other things that could happen. I am  not there, therefore i have no control. Common motherly worries. I will miss them terribly for sure. But i cannot and will not keep my children away from their extended family. Its not fair to them what so ever. Just because i may not get along with them all doesnt mean i have to punish my kids for it. I want them to spend as much time with them as possible. I just have to think of it as the same kind of situation if my ex lived in another state. They would be going with him for a while. I also feel like if i do let them go then i am a horrible mother and people will think that i want to get rid of my kids for a while. Which is so not the case. Then i feel like if i dont let them go then i am a horrible person for not letting my kids see their grandparents. Its almost like a lose lose situation for me. I dont want to keep my kids from them and i dont want people to think that i am pawning off my kids. What would someone else do in this situation?? I never understood the struggles of making what other people may think as simple decisions. I never thought it would be this hard. But it is hard. Especially when both parents are still equally involved in the childrens lives.

I didnt think it was so hard or such a bad thing. I dont understand why it is so hard for you. When i know it can and has been easily done to others. It especially is hurtful when the only thing you can do is point out the negative things. There is no equal balance, or fairness. Is it really that big of a deal to say something nice. Even something so simple. I never thought i have asked to much. I am always trying to help. The thank you's are nice and appreciated. I'm a helper, please allow me to help. Sometimes i feel like i get the real shit end of the stick with you. I get the messy pieces left over to try to put back together, and dont always want to go together. So i keep turning the pieces to try to find a place they fit. I get yelled at, disrespected, talked down to, but at the same time also treated well. but the balance is completely off, and no where near even. Things are really good for a while, then so so. I dont get it. But i am starting to get burnt out on trying to put the puzzle back together by myself. thats it for now. blah!

I dont like it when you are sad. I dont like it when you are upset. I see no reason for you to take your anger out on me. I dont understand why you do it. I dont mean any harm to you. EVER! But when you do it really hurts me. I dont deserve a lot of the things you've said or done to me. I am VERY good to you, sometimes too good, at least thats what i have been told. There are a lot of people that would just love to be where you are in my life. There are also a lot of people that have told me to run...fast and far away. But i chose to stay where i am at. I've questioned some of their reasons. When you are cruel and mean is when i consider those thoughts. But your arent always that way. You ARE very good to me also. I dont ask a lot of you, but what i do ask, i dont think is too unreasonable and maybe a little to a little more comprimising could do

p.s. its ok to say that i look good once in a while. i promise it wont kill you

I'm hurt that you've never had time for me. I'm hurt you still dont have time for me. I dont understnad why its so hard for you to spend time with me or want to do things with me. You wonder why i never talk to you. You've never really made yourself available or let me get close. Who knows maybe you see to much of my father in me and thats why. I've always wanted to  be close with you. I've always wanted to do things with you. You have giving me more responsibility than i should have been given. There are things that i do that i feel i shouldnt be the only one doing. Its a never ending battle i have always arranged my schedule according to yours. Which 90% of the time i dont care. But it makes other things that i am trying to do(not hang out with friends) harder to do. I feel like i have no connection to people that are in the family that just dont give a shit about my life. I've put up effort with nothing in return. I feel like an outsider of the family. I now understand why a certain someone feels the way they do.

I'm trying to better myself by having amore positive look on life. Most importantly not constantly thinking about the past. I cant change any of it. Its over and done with. What has happened, happened and there isnt anything i can do. Obviously things happen for a reason. Most days i am pretty good about remaining positive. Some days are a little tricky though. But that will happen. Life happens. Things are getting better every day. I'm alive, a survivor. I've gone through some rough times in my life but i will have to say that because of those things happening i am the person i am today. I am a mother or two wonderful beautiful boys. They are my life. There is a wonderful man in my life who i would do almost anything for. He means the world to me. He is my best friend. His grandparents have welcomed me with open arms into their lives. Which means so much to me, and am very thankful. They treat me like i am part of the family. Its one of the greatest feelings in the world. I have my differences with my family. It can be very difficult to deal with. Especially with what happened over the weekend. I could not believe what my mom asked me. I was actually offended. I am so tired of being accused of doing drugs to do drugs, or to stay thin. I am just thin, thats all. I'm not bulimic, i dont do meth or anything else like that and i dont take weight lose drugs either. I dont know how many more times i am going to have to explain myself about that. Anyways I am happy with where i am at(except for the lack of job part and that i dont have my own place). Life is only going to get better. I know it. I am also where i am in my life because of a certain friend. She has only been in my life for a very short time but we clicked almost immediately. She has helped me so much with so many different things. She has helped me learn more about myself in such a sort amount of time. I just wish she lived closer. I would be a long way away from where i am at if she wasnt here. I'm not here to change for anyone else. I am here to change for myself. Just like i would never ask anyone else to change. People have to realize it themselves and decide what is right for them. Well this is it for now. I'm tired and going to bed. =) goodnight all!

Which phrase is is more over-used?
"I love you"  -or-    "I'm sorry"

Ugh! this day upset's me...like it does most to single women around. Its kind of like what my english professor said "national single awareness day" LOL! Which it is sooo true. You see all these girls with balloons, flowers, candy, cards ect...and then here you are with...nothing. How the f*ck is that fair?? That day should really just go away. There is no real reason for it to be a "holiday". Its not like you can take the day off work or anything like that. Its all a load of Bullsh*t! Even if you are with someone why do you need a day  to show your love for that person. You can and should(if you truly do love that person) do that any day of the week, month, or year. It doesnt have to come down to Valentines day. And yes i am single but thats not why i feel the way i do about this. Even when i wasnt single i felt this way. I went year after year of disappointment on "that day" so yes it has left me bitter and changed my mind on how i feel about it. But reality is everyone should, but thats only in an ideal world. Thats my ranting and raving for the day.